by Coach Jimmie Vaughan:
As an update, Aussie Scott and I were able to locate a great Roadie and Sanger local, outside of Big Smoke only a few Clicks away from Rogue Cedar Park. Lucky for me because I wouldn’t have been able to keep up with him had it been much farther. Bloke is Bloody fast! The place utilizes Dead Horse on their Brekkie menu, but unfortunately for Aussie once he got Gutful of Piss his only option was to use the Dunny. Not sure the cleanliness on that one!
Okay, now that we’re all caught up.
Typically, I choose to write mind blowing blogs that keep the readers wanting more. Or, I guess mind numbing depending on what level of inebriation you find yourself in. For this particular installment, I decided to attack a subject that some call a myth. Not unlike Bigfoot, the Yeti, Aliens, or me running a sub-three marathon (wait, what!) I figured it was time to introduce the Rogue Community to Parmer Brown. Some refer to him as “Naked Man”, but I’ll refrain from calling them out – Heather Dalton! The Spanish call him Hombre Desnudo, while the German simply refer to him as Halb Nackt. Personally, I’ve only witnessed him a couple of times but more and more Cedar Park residents are venturing into Rogue to ask just who this man without clothes is and why is he risking life and limb to run on a road no one should ever step foot on.
Let’s be honest here. Cedar Park runners are more conservative than larger cities, so when a runner oils up (and now it’s THAT type article) and loses his shirt it can be a bit of a shock. Basically picture this, a 5’9 – 153lb. pound man from Tyler, Texas that wears adidas boost with no-show socks, and shorts made out of enough material to be a Kleenex, who likes long walks on the beach with Martha Stewart and Goat Cheese, and you have Parmer Brown. He runs like 1,000+ miles a week all on a stretch of Parmer Lane that many cyclists avoid due to the hazard potential.
I remember the first time I saw Parmer running, on well Parmer Lane. I was driving 65 miles an hour (speed limit) when I saw a figure in the distance which seemed out of place. A road worker? A cyclist? A trick-or-treater? Coach Hilsy looking to make a comeback in the realm of professional soccer? What the heck was I seeing? As he got closer, I realized it was a runner and I spoke out loud, “Who is this stupid Mutha…” Holy Cow, its Parmer Brown! Why is it so difficult for me to operate my camera phone? The one opportunity to catch such an elusive creature in his natural habitat and I go all technology dumb. You got me Dodds, I’m like zero technology savvy even on a good day, and Damn I’m old. Immediately I went home and wrote in my Diary (don’t judge) “today was the Day I saw Parmer Brown!” More and more we had heard of the sightings, and I was actually lucky enough to catch a glimpse. I have seen what many only dream of! Mind Numbed? YES!
We’ve heard from local businesses about how Parmer frequents their establishments, but one can only hope we get photographic or video proof of his presence. The teller at his bank finds it odd he runs through the drive-thru and while waiting on the transaction can be seen doing leg swings in effort t to “multi-task”. The local McDonald’s is just appreciative he’s not a McNugget fanatic because if he were, their drive-thru customers would be in for a shock! Walgreen’s and CVS Pharmacy are thankful Parmer is a healthy runner as if he needed prescriptions his “nakedness” could turn off other patrons. I think the Liquor store over there is hoping Brown will do a photo shoot in order to attract more female clientele. Parmer, YOU BETTER WORK! I could go on and on here, but you get the gist.
I’ve seen the Elusive Parmer Brown. Next time you find yourself on Parmer Lane, keep an eye out as you never know if he’ll be present! Me and Aussie Scott, we’re grabbing: a net, pepper spray, a tazer, a cattle prod, a case of beer, a pack of Fruit Stripe Gum, Aussie’s iPod playlist that includes ALL Taylor Swift ALL the time and a strobe light in order to catch us a “Parmer”. You in? ‘Cause this is how it’s going down.